> Dating, Divorce, and Your Kids

With the US divorce rate still lingering around 50% for first marriages, many children have experienced their parents’ divorce by the time they are eighteen. And most adults are out and dating again within a year after their divorce, sometimes dating several partners before remarriage. While there have been several studies on divorce, remarriage and step-parenting, very few exist for the courtship period parents go through before remarriage. Here are some guidelines to consider concerning post-divorced dating and your children:

Adjusting to the idea of dating isn’t just for parents. Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce and We're Still Family and professor emeritus at University Southern California, recently completed a 20 year longitudinal study on children of divorce. She found that the young children she studied worried about how their parent's dating process was going to affect them. Children between the ages 5 and 10 were more possessive of their mother than older children. Leah Klungness, co-author of The Complete Single Mother, states that post-divorce dating can be stressful for children. Don't assume that kids will understand the need for a "crazy phase" of dating. They are dealing with their own issues of loss, betrayal, adjustment, trust- just to name a few. Parents need to make sure before things get tricky that children understand their continued importance to them, the freedom for the child(ren) to continue a close loving relationship with the ex-spouse (despite any personal misgivings) and the possibility of new people in the parent's life.

Your attitudes and behaviors on dating will be a model for your children. Teenage children are entering a new world of dating behavior that may include sex, and will look to their parents as models of behavior. What they see is what they’ll do. Research has shown that single parents’- and especially mothers’- attitudes and behaviors on sex and dating influence their children’s attitudes and behaviors. Specifically, single mothers’ dating behaviors directly influenced their son’s sexual behaviors, and indirectly influenced their daughter’s sexual behaviors by affecting her attitudes on sex. Parents should talk about appropriate behavior for adults and adolescents before either side starts an intimate relationship.

Tread carefully when introducing children to your new partner. Klungness recommends that any new relationship should be exclusive for several months (that is, a serious relationship and not a casual affair) before they are introduced to the children. Similar research also supports this idea: a gradual approach allows children time to adjust to their parents' dating (and the new dating partner) at a pace that allows for successful parenting. If the decision has been made to bring the new partner into the child's life, make sure that they meet on neutral territory (i.e., not home) in a casual setting. Introduce the new partner as a "new friend" and not the new "love of my life."

Sensitivity Counts. Children may have more trouble adjusting to their fathers' dating relationships than their mother's. This may be because of the diverted attention in the wake of limited time together due to custody issues. Another possibility is the potential for the new relationship to be the cause of the parent's divorce. Remember that meeting a new partner will bring up many emotions for children. Sticking to neutral turf helps the parent provide the necessary structure children may need while being introduced to new partners.

Parents should be sensitive to their children's feelings but not turn to a permissive parenting style because they feel guilty or embarrassed. Balancing the emotions of your children with the excitement of a new, positive, relationship will help smooth the transition into single-parent dating.

> Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Unfortunately, there’s no time machine that lets us travel backward and unsay something we wish we hadn’t said. And harsh words can be especially painful in the context of a relationship when spoken by someone we count on for constant love and support.

But all couples argue. And well-handled conflict can actually be an asset in a relationship, since it lets you both express what you’re feeling and clear the air of harsh feelings that can come between you. So the key is to create in your relationship a “healthy conflict” in which you both do your best to avoid some common mistakes while adhering to a few basic principles.

The Don’ts of Fighting Fair

DON’T BRING UP PAST GRIEVANCES. If you two are arguing about money, don’t bring up that issue about how much your partner drank at the party last week. Injecting something else into the argument won’t help you sort out the current problem. It’ll just prolong the conflict.

DON’T GO FOR THE JUGULAR. This is a basic when it comes to fighting fair. All of us can get caught up in the moment and aim for a weak spot where we know can cause maximum pain. But in a relationship built on support and trust, it’s crucial that you resist this urge, even when you’re at your angriest. There’s nothing at all wrong with being upset and showing it. It’s even OK to sometimes yell about your feelings. But stick to the facts of the argument. When you move to personal attacks, you’ve crossed a line.

DON’T TELL YOUR PARTNER HOW THEY SHOULD THINK OR FEEL. This is a sure way to get someone upset with you, telling the person that his or her feelings are ridiculous or that they aren’t valid, or that the person should think differently. Remember — your partner is trusting you with his or her feelings, so it’s important that you listen to and respect what you’re hearing.

DON’T INTIMIDATE. It’s never OK to try to win an argument by using threats — either stated or implied, emotional or physical — instead of working out the problem between you. A healthy relationship thrives on real intimacy and mutual respect, neither of which can exist in a threatening atmosphere.

DON’T OVERGENERALIZE. Watch out for the words “always” and “never.” Instead of “You’re never on time,” say, “That’s the third time this week I’ve had to wait for you.” By being specific regarding what you’re upset about, you’ll give yourself a much better chance of actually addressing the issue at hand.

DON’T FORCE THE MATTER WHEN YOU’RE TIRED. There are times when having an argument should simply wait for another time. Late at night when you’re sleepy and already a little grumpy is one of those times when it makes more sense to put the discussion off until you feel fresher and can be more reasonable.

The Dos of Fighting Fair

TALK ABOUT LITTLE PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY TURN INTO BIG ONES. Again, there are times that it’s OK to put off having an argument, such as when you’re at a party or you’re too tired to have a healthy discussion. But as a general rule, address the issue as quickly as possible. One minor disagreement can be handled fairly easily and quickly. But if lots of minor issues go unaddressed, resentment can begin to build and the little problems can turn into big ones.

STICK TO THE SUBJECT. Specify your points of disagreement carefully, and then agree that that’s what you’re talking about. Don’t suddenly go off on a strange tangent that has nothing to do with the argument you’re currently having.

LISTEN ACTIVELY. This means showing your partner, both verbally and nonverbally, that you’re really listening. Make eye contact and nod to show that you’re hearing what’s being said. Then, when you respond, use phrases like “So you’re saying that you’re mad because I …” or “Your point is that I shouldn’t have …” Reflecting back like this can be one of the best ways to defuse an argument, if you can just show your partner that he or she is being heard and understood.

USE “I” STATEMENTS. Instead of saying “You should have called me if you were going to be out so late,” say “I feel nervous when it gets late and I haven’t heard from you.” “I” statements — in which you begin with phrases like “I feel” or “I’m afraid when” — are less judgmental and much more effective than the more accusatory “you” statements.

ADMIT FAULT. This is one of the hardest of all the dos. It’s also one of the most powerful. You and your partner need to practice give-and-take. So if you’re wrong, say so and then move on. You may not be ready to admit fault immediately, but as soon as you can, do it. As difficult as it can be, a sincere apology presents a quicker and more enjoyable way to end an argument. We’re not saying that you should always give in, but when you’re wrong, admit it.

CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES. This doesn’t mean celebrating a victory for you or a victory for your partner. But after an argument or a fight, if you’ve genuinely resolved something or if you’ve learned something about each other, then that’s a victory for the relationship. So congratulate yourselves. This will be good for the relationship and encourage both of you to handle your conflict well in the future.

Remember, you’re not going to be able to avoid conflict in your relationship. You are unique individuals with your own feelings, opinions, and desires. So the key is to manage that conflict in a way that actually brings you closer together and allows you to understand each other more deeply, rather than allowing it to tear you apart.

> Will They Find Romance?

Who hasn't been the victim of a really bad blind date or the participant in a truly torturous speed dating event? Ever feel like there was something missing — a more relaxed environment, perhaps, or maybe more personal information before the date?

Well, one man has decided to fill that void by creating a singles dating company with a touch of psychology, a tinge of technology and a whole lot of fun.

"I'm a commercial real estate underwriter, which is the most fun job in the world [but] … I'm in a room with no windows, so I created OneKeyAway so I could meet other professionals," says its founder, Edwin Duterte, a 37-year-old banker by day, matchmaker by night.

"We want people to meet each other, … have fun, and interact, because sometimes, you get lost on the back of your keyboard … that's what OneKeyAway is about — we want people to meet face to face."

Here's how it works: You log on to the OneKeyAway Web site, and complete a questionnaire, which, in turn, generates a personality profile.

As with other dating sites, you can add a photo to your profile, browse other member profiles, send messages to them, and meet up at live dating events.

Pretty normal so far, right? Well, what makes OneKeyAway so unique is what happens during the mixers.

"When you go to our events," Duterte explains, "we hand you a little gadget that has the person's individual personality embedded in it. Basically, what you do is, you go up to somebody, say, 'can we zap?' I press a button, she presses a button, point the gadgets at each other, and then, within a second or two, it tells us how compatible we are."

If a green light pops up on the gadget, it means most compatible, yellow means moderately compatible, and red — not so much.

A little strange, yes. But, what's even stranger is this new method of mixing and mingling is actually working.

"The people that have been in my green and yellow category on this thing have been people I've really enjoyed talking to," says Marybeth Armbruster, a participant at a mixer in Los Angeles.

Cool Conversation Starter

Though the gadget isn't always accurate, daters are still able to find good matches. "I've been talking to someone for about an hour, and we're having a good time," says participant Winter Melgar. "This thing said we weren't too compatible, but we seem to be."

No one ever said the system was foolproof. If nothing else, the gadgets serve as great conversation starters.

People's responses to the online questionnaire are kept private, because "we want people to talk," Duterte says. "It's up to the two people to find out how compatible they are together."

And, apparently, it's up to Duterte to do some digging after every mixer to learn how his participants fared. Overall, he finds 25 percent of them end up going on first dates. "Twenty-five percent," Duterte proudly states. "I think that's pretty high."

But he always strives to make that number higher, which is why he has introduced yet another element to the OneKeyAway dating experience — workshops.

Duterte realizes that many participants struggle less with the technology part than with the actual dating. So, before every mixer, he holds separate workshops for the male and female daters who, he feels, are often faced with different challenges.

He says that the men have a relationship coach to teach confidence, and women have workshops that teach them how to flirt.

As with most startups, Duterte's reason for creating OneKeyAway came from his own experience.

"I created OneKeyAway because I concentrated on my career so much that I forgot what a relationship should be," he admits. "I was focused on school and work, then career. … Four years ago, I was, like, 'now I want something more. I want a relationship.'"

OneKeyAway has been going strong since 2003, with mixers for straight, gay and lesbian professionals in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York and Washington, D.C. Duterte hopes to expand these events throughout the country.

> Staying Positive in the Winter Months

It’s not always easy to remain a “glass-half-full” kind of person during the winter months. The days get shorter and darker, the weather gets colder, and by necessity most of us have to spend a lot more time inside.

But you don’t have to fall prey to the Winter Blues. In fact, you can look at this time of year as an opportunity—an opportunity to view the different areas of your life and contemplate how you might enrich them so that you stay happy and healthy. As you get out your warmer clothes and move through autumn and towards winter, give some thought to these suggestions for staying healthy, active, and positive during the colder months of the year.

Stay active SOCIALLY.
Even though it’s not always as easy during the winter as it is during the long sunny days of summer, it’s important that you remain active socially and keep yourself in the company of friends. Otherwise, it’s too easy to slip into the kind of solitude that can lead to loneliness and other dark emotions. So think about some of these suggestions that can keep your social calendar lively.
• Plan a weekly after-work dinner for yourself and some of your co-workers. You don’t have to do anything elaborate here; just pick a spot to meet right after work, and let everyone know that you’ll be meeting there every week as soon as the workday ends.
• Meet a friend for lunch on a regular basis. The consistency of being in the company of someone you like and who also likes you can help you stay energized and connected.
• Watch for other group meetings that will get you out of the house and keep you relating with the people around you. Join a club. Explore the possibility of community theater. Look into activities hosted by a singles group near where you live. It doesn’t matter exactly what you do. Just stay connected to other people, and enjoy the numerous emotional and psychological benefits that come with your various relationships.

Stay active PHYSICALLY.
Where you live, it may not be practical to go for long walks or to exercise outdoors like you do during the summer. But there are plenty of ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle even during the winter months. What’s most important is that you stay active physically. Here are some physical-activity suggestions for the cold days ahead:
• Join a gym. This is a great way to stay in shape when it’s cold outside. There you can try out different types of exercise and find the ones you enjoy most (or hate the least).
• Work out in your own home. Check out some of the TV programs that lead you through yoga or aerobic exercises. Or get a treadmill, or a set of weights.
• If weather permits, take a quick walk during your lunch break. Find a buddy who’s also looking for ways to stay active, and put in motion a lunchtime ritual that will be good for you both physically and emotionally.
• Make sure that you get enough sunlight. A lack of light can lead to seasonal affective disorder and other forms of depression. So do what you can to get plenty of light. Throw open your blinds during the day, leave lights bright in rooms you’re in, and maybe even think about going South for a vacation.

Stay active MENTALLY.
By keeping your mind engaged you can avoid some of the doldrums that attack during the cold part of the year. Here are some suggestions for staying sharp:
• Join a book club. Whether you like highbrow classics, chick-lit, or a good old-fashioned whodunit, you can usually find a group that reads what you enjoy. For help finding the group that’s right for you, check with one of your local bookstores. Or, if you don’t find one that feels right, start your own.
• Put some thought into your career. Are there things you could do right now that would give you a leg up, professionally? Could you learn a new skill, or branch out into a new area?
• Take up a new hobby that will challenge your mind. Maybe study gourmet cooking, or become a classic movie buff, or try your hand at origami. The winter is a great time to explore options you haven’t considered before. And if you find that one hobby’s not for you, just move on to another one. The key is to make sure that you’re keeping your mind active and engaged.

Stay active SPIRITUALLY.
As the days get shorter and darker, keep the light burning within. Take advantage of the extra moments in which you’re forced to slow down and remain indoors, and spend some time being more contemplative and concentrating on personal growth. You should pursue whatever feels right to you, but here are some recommendations to get you started:
• Spend a few minutes each morning being quiet and preparing for the day. Research shows that one of the best ways to maintain overall health in the many facets of your life is to practice some form of meditation. Simply get still, focus on your breathing, and allow yourself to “charge up” for the day. Just five or ten minutes is a great way to start.
• Return to a book that’s been meaningful to you in the past, and spend some time skimming through and recalling passages that inspired you.
• Attend a group meeting that helps you focus on living out your principles. This might mean attending formal religious services, or it might mean a social organization where you feel comfortable. Spending time with like-minded people is a great way to keep yourself feeling “alive” inside.
• Do something for someone else. While you’re focusing on keeping yourself healthy during the winter months, give some thought to how you might help another person. Is there somewhere you could volunteer your time or use some of your unique talents in a way that would benefit other people?

Notice that all of these ideas are about staying active and feeling energized. It doesn’t matter too much exactly what you do. The point is that you do something, and that you keep yourself alive and active when you might be tempted to shut down and remain sedentary. So give it some thought, and take steps right now to keep yourself active, energetic, and healthy.

> I Don't Like His Friends!

You cannot enter into a new relationship with the expectation that your partner is going to change – in any way. Whenever I have premarital counseling sessions and hear one or both persons say something like “I’m sure that will get better after we’re married,” my blood runs cold. You must always move forward with the assumption that your partner’s worst traits will be amplified once you are married. Expecting a person to really change, no matter what he or she may say, is a recipe for disappointment.

Now back to what I believe are the two likely scenarios at play.
Scenario Number One

Your boyfriend’s friends are a terrible influence on him. He wants to change, but whenever he is around them he falls under their influence and participates in destructive behavior that he later regrets. He cannot see that his bond of friendship with these men needs to be broken for his own good.

If this is true, you’ll need to hear him speak these words from his own lips. He will need to come to you and say, “I need to create space between myself and these old friends.” Only then can you expect the promise of an attempt on his part. Of course, this is no promise of success, but he will be expressing a desire to move in the direction that you prefer – away from these old and destructive friends.
Scenario Number Two

Your boyfriend’s friends are a great influence on him. Their time together is basic harmless male bonding – football, guy talk, beer and weekend getaways – the kind of friendship and closeness that men often do without in our society. In this scenario, you may be jealous when he spends time with this group of guys. They may even do a few activities that you disapprove of, but their behavior isn’t destructive and doesn’t have any effect on your boyfriend other than giving him an outlet for blowing off steam.

The range of possibilities is, of course, wider than these two scenarios. But I suspect that the truth lies within one of these two descriptions.

But whether or not his friends are truly destructive, the important question, Erina, lies with you and your thoughts and expectations of this relationship. The question you need to ask yourself before too much time has passed is: “Will I be happy in this relationship if nothing else changes?” It is really that simple.

Attempting to launch a healthy serious relationship with the idea that you will just avoid his friends doesn’t feel like an effective solution to me. In this situation, what you really want is for him to avoid his friends, and that is a significant and more demanding request.

In fact, asking this man to move away from his friends for your sake would be a relationship nonstarter. The decision to stay or go must be made by you, based on the current circumstances and your discussions with him about what he wants in his life.

> Overcoming Shyness

Did you know that for many people, shyness is the number one obstacle they have in their dating life? Imagine: they have lots of offers from attractive people, they live in an area where there are dozens of dating activities to enjoy, they can afford to date, and they have the free time. Yet their overwhelming shyness still makes is impossible for them to date without great pain. It is a common problem, and a very sad one.


If you are one of these unfortunate people, this series of articles is going to help you overcome the problem. You should know that when I was young I was shy, so I have a lot of empathy for what you’re going through yourself. The whole idea is to overcome that set of frustrating fears that currently have you kind of mired in an anxious, shy place.

If your shyness is currently keeping you from dating or is making dating a painful ordeal, I want you to consider getting five to ten sessions of counseling with a therapist who has a great reputation for helping people.

For this particular problem, I recommend that you not be in therapy for longer than five or ten sessions. I just want you to see someone long enough for you to investigate the roots of your shyness. I want this therapist to be the kind of person who can give you ideas and who can help you develop a plan for overcoming your shyness.

Overcoming shyness always requires courage. You need the encouragement of a person who is there as your coach. They give you encouragement and then they redefine the plan so that you know what the next step is for you to take.

Practice dating with someone who is not a potential partner for you.

This can be your cousin or your sister or your old friend—somebody that you like. I suggest you go right through the whole rigmarole–call for a date with this person, where they play like they are a potential dating partner and you ask them out. You pick them up at their home; take them out to the car and to a show. It won’t matter who it is, you’ll get some laughs from it. You need just that practice. As you practice doing these things, you feel more and surer of yourself. As the shyness begins to subside you will no longer feel quite the same intensity of anxiety.

Engage in something called “systematic desensitization.”

Now that’s a big long term, systematic desensitization. What am I talking about? The theory is to pair up, in your mind, a very relaxed body and a vision or thought of the thing you fear so much. I want to get you as relaxed as I can physically, and then I want you to think about the thing you fear so much.

Here’s what I would do if you came to me. I would put you through a program called the Jacobsen relaxation technique – I would start with your hands. I would have you fold up your hands into two fists as tightly as you can and to hold the tightness for a while and to consider what it felt like with your hands being so tight and then I would have you just relax your hands and stretch your fingers out. And then I would move eventually to your forearms. I would have you hold you forearms in a way that allows you to feel a lot of tension in your forearms. And so on throughout your entire body.

Once I got you through this process of being relaxed, I would begin to introduce to you the whole dating situation and I would start from the part of the dating situation that is least tension-producing for you. I would keep you relaxed all along the way.

Now I want you to think about the type of person that maybe you would want to date sometime. You would think about this person and I would urge you to stay relaxed and eventually I would move you all the way through the hierarchy getting up into the place where now you’re actually thinking about going to the telephone and calling a person. Eventually you’ll go through the whole date in your mind but with your body totally relaxed.

Deal with your shyness by doing what you need to do about feeling good about yourself.

Some people are shy because they feel inadequate within themselves. When I ask them, “What do you feel inadequate about?” They say “Well, you know, I weigh too much. I’m just overweight.” I say to them, “Look, if we’re going to deal with your shyness, we need to deal with your weight problem. We need to mobilize your will to get started dealing with your weight.” If you’re a person who’s shy it’s probably because you don’t feel very good about yourself. If you don’t feel very good about yourself, there are reasons that you don’t feel very good about yourself. We want to attack those reasons. We want to eliminate them so that you can start feeling better about yourself. The second you start feeling better about yourself, your shyness will reduce.

Be around as many people as you can where the demands on you are absolutely minimal.

But I want to encourage you to be around them in a place where you feel better and better about your ability to manage the demands of relating to these people. For instance, if you can be in a group of people who are more than willing to carry the heavy burden of a conversation but at the same time allow room for you to talk when you feel the need, then that will provide you the opportunity to work progressively on your shyness in the interpersonal sphere.

What kinds of groups are there like this? Well, there are book clubs that sometimes provide this kind of opportunity. There are bowling groups that are always looking for new people. There are softball teams that need individuals to fill in. You want to have situations in which you are in the interpersonal sphere but in which you do not put a heavy load on yourself.

> Keeping Sex Fresh and Exciting

Let’s get real: It can be tough to keep things fresh when you’re going to bed with the same person night after night. Long-term relationships offer all kinds of benefits, but they can also present challenges when it comes to maintaining romance, passion, and fire. So be honest about the situation with yourself and with your partner. Then begin to take steps to make things more exciting.

Keeping physical intimacy fresh is an ongoing process that each of you needs to actively prioritize. To get you started, we’ve gathered some general principles and suggestions that can have an immediate impact on your love life.

Talk about what you want.

This may be the sex advice that’s most often offered. And it’s also the best. But it’s not always that easy. If it scares you a little to think of being really forthcoming about what you want, you’re not alone. Many people worry that their sexual desires will be perceived as odd, selfish, or simply beyond their partners’ comfort zones. But even though it’s sometimes uncomfortable to talk about what you really want or find most exciting in bed—even with the person you feel closest to—that’s the quickest and most effective way of making sure that both of you feel fulfilled and satisfied.

One way to do this in a way that feels safer for both of you is to play the “What’s something crazy you once thought about?” game. By doing it this way, neither of you has to commit to following through on the idea, and it’s safe because it’s (allegedly) something that merely crossed your mind in the past. But you might find that you each have some interesting ideas that would lead to some fun and stimulating situations. And even if you don’t actually act on these different possibilities, just talking about them will most likely raise the temperature in the room—and in the relationship.

Set the mood in advance.
Don’t wait until you’re both undressing after a long day to begin to think about being intimate together. Instead, begin the foreplay in the morning—either literally or figuratively. If you have the time and inclination, have a more physically stimulating breakfast. But even if you don’t set the mood physically, there are plenty of ways to engage in metaphorical foreplay—such as communicating how much you’re looking forward to your rendezvous, or talking about what you’re each expecting to give and receive later that evening.

Then throughout the day, continue to set the mood. Make an erotic phone call to her extension. Send him an email that you know he’ll find tantalizing. Or do something that’s not overtly sexual but that you know will keep preparing both of you for your encounter. Flowers or a gift or a new mix of songs can go a long way toward setting the mood as well. It doesn’t matter exactly what you do; the point is to set the stage throughout the day for romance and intimacy.

Just have fun for fun’s sake.
Some couples put too much pressure on themselves to make sure that the earth moves every time they make love, which can often lead to disappointment. So the next time you’re in bed together, make a concerted effort to relax and just enjoy yourselves. Laugh. Enjoy undressing. Take pleasure in the setup and the buildup, not just the final payoff. Be sensual. In other words, be fully engaged in the whole process, finding pleasure in everything from the beginning to the end.

Another idea is to play games together. They might have to do with acting out roles or living out fantasies, or you could even try an adult version of “Truth or Dare.” If you don’t feel like being too creative, there are plenty of games and books you can buy, or Web sites you can explore, to help you make sure that your sexual relationship is one built not only on emotional intimacy, but on fun and pleasure as well.

Inject some variety.
There’s nothing wrong with consistency or with establishing certain “patterns” in your love life. But when consistency turns into monotony, it can be really difficult to maintain the passion in your relationship. So try injecting some variety into your lovemaking. This might mean experimenting with new positions or locations. Or it might mean taking more time instead of having the obligatory Wednesday-night quickie. Or maybe you switch roles, so that the one who’s usually the initiator and aggressor becomes more passive, and vice versa.

There are plenty of other ways to add variety to your sex life and keep it from becoming dull. Dress up. Surprise each other in the shower. Go on a racy “first date” where you pretend that you’re two very forward people who begin to participate in increasingly daring sex talk as the evening progresses. Whatever you do, try to release your inhibitions. Keep in mind that as long as you both feel respected and comfortable with what you’re doing, then you can relax, enjoy the variety, and let yourselves go.

Be realistic.
Remember that sex isn’t going to be perfect every time. So don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to shake the chandelier or wake the neighbors. And don't compare your sex life to the ones you see in movies or on television. Use the ideas above to keep things fresh and exciting in the bedroom, but don’t worry if the passion in the relationship achieves a certain routine and regularity over time. Even an occasional diversion from the usual is all that a couple needs to keep things fresh. If you two are having sex consistently and each enjoying the physical relationship you share, then congratulate yourselves. You’re doing really well.

> Why Do Women All Seem to Want Taller Men?

If you look at the couples around you, you find that most men are taller than their women. This isn’t just a coincidence, nor it is it as simple as taller is better, although the research does show some preference for taller men. What’s interesting is how women use height in gauging their attraction for men. It turns out that height, like many other factors, depends on the individual – their own physical characteristics and what they’re looking for in a mate.

Why taller men?

Let’s first start with the tendency for women to prefer taller men since this idea is a common expectation. With men being taller on average compared to women, you might expect that most women would end up with taller men just by chance. However, researchers found that of the 720 couples in their study, only one was comprised of a taller woman and a shorter man (Gillis & Avis, 1980). This was a far smaller percentage than expected by chance, showing that there is some selective preference for taller men.

It is also noted that height is a “masculine” characteristic. Taller men may be seen as more dominant and assertive (Melamed, 1992). In evolutionary terms, a larger man may have been able to provide more protection to their offspring, have greater genetic qualities to pass on to their future children, and thus may be awarded with greater social status. In line with this idea that height is an indicator of good evolutionary success, researchers found that taller men were more likely to have at least one biological child compared to shorter men (Pawlowski, Dunbar, & Lipowicz, 2000).

Culture also plays a big part in what we like and what is valued in society. Women may learn to value men who are rewarded in society. For example, taller men may be seen as more powerful and attractive, so women who are with taller men benefit by attaining a higher social status. In addition, if height signals physical dominance, it is likely that taller men make women feel smaller, protected, and perhaps more “feminine” as well. In line with this idea, research has found that women with more “traditional” gender role expectations were less willing to date shorter men (Salska, et al., 2008).

Other factors that influence height preference

So, if women have a general preference for taller men and if height is rewarding, then why aren’t we all dating basketball players? Research shows that when it comes to selecting a potential romantic partner, taller is not always better. Other factors come into play as we make choices about who we want to be with.

One factor that becomes important is women’s own height (Fink, et al., 2007). Instead of choosing the tallest of the bunch, many women use a step criteria, requiring that the men they are with are at least taller than they are (Hensley, 1994). Women do not have a exact height preference, but rather seem to be open to a variety of heights, so long as the man is taller than her.

Researchers suggest this happens to optimize our potential dating pool (Salska, et al., 2008). If we all only dated men who were 6’4” or taller, there would be so many people who were dateless, and competition for these tall men would be tough. Especially at the extremes, taller women and shorter men prefer those who are closer to their height (Hensley, 1994). Thus, knowing that there are limited resources in this area makes people more open to accepting a wider range of acceptable possibilities. On the other hand, this also suggests that women at the shorter end of the spectrum and men at the taller end can afford to be more selective in who they wish to date, since they have a wider available dating pool from which to choose.

Another important finding in how height impacts attraction are our relationship goals. One study found that women who were attracted to taller men during times of ovulation – when they were the most fertile (Pawlowski & Jasienska, 2005). Women looking for a relationship during their most fertile phase, in evolutionary terms, would be looking for good genes pass on to potential offspring but likely little parental investment and companionship. Even beyond biology, this study showed that women had a stronger preference for taller men when they were looking for a short-term relationship. In other words, height and physical attraction may be most important when looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship.

Height isn’t everything

In general women are attracted to taller men, a preference which may be explained by evolutionary hard wiring or by societal expectations. But when choosing a man to be with, this preference is moderated by your own height, potential dating options, and relationship expectations.

Also as you might expect, height and physical traits are not enough to explain what women want, especially when looking for long-term romantic relationships. More than physical appearance, which plays mostly in short-term relationships, women value personality, intelligence, and career choice (Braun & Bryan, 2006). For dating, women look for men with agreeable personalities – men who show kindness, empathy, and intimacy, and factors like these can play a part in what women find most attractive in a man.

According to evolutionary theory, women looking for long-term relationships would want men who would stick by their side and help them provide for and take care of their infants. Thus, finding men who are agreeable, smart, and gainfully employed are signs that they will make good providers.

In sum, evolutionary theory predicts that women look for men who can provide security and protection, who can invest in their child resources in a long-term relationship or who can pass on good genes in a short-term fling. However, if you ask any woman, I’d bet she’d give a different answer…maybe someone who is kind, caring, funny, and a good kisser; maybe someone who’s smart, passionate, athletic, and honest. What theory and the many psychological studies cannot predict is what each individual woman will choose.

> What You Can Learn From Your Ex

The human experience dictates that the most valuable and profound life lessons are products of pain. It’s unfortunate that to grow we must first suffer, but someone who can convert anguish into something positive is lucky. While we are sometimes victims of the hurt – that is, we can’t control how much we suffer – what happens next is completely under our control.


But that’s the hard part, isn’t it? Sorting through it – the cruelty, the embarrassment – and essentially reliving events we’d just as soon forget. It takes strength to let these memories flood your mind, but within them there’s wisdom. And later, growth.

Because life lessons come from people for whom we care deeply (though occasionally our enemies teach us a thing or two), there is a lot to be learned from our exes. Examining past relationships is like holding a mirror up to one’s face; our old flames teach us what we need and want in a partner, what we can stand and what we can’t, and – maybe most important – who we are and how we function in relationships.

The experience can be extremely valuable if you are ready and willing, but if you are still harboring resentment toward your ex, don’t bother. The only thing you’ll be able to see is that you were somehow wronged.

You Learn What You Can't Stand (and What You Must Have)

Probably the easiest thing to garner from a bad relationship is what you can’t stand in other people. Even if you were dumped, there probably was something about your ex that didn’t quite sit right with you, whether it was the way he held a fork or the way she answered the phone. But hey, when you are in love, it’s easy to overlook little idiosyncrasies. After all, they make each of us unique.

But really, these “can’t stands” are petty compared to more serious issues. Ranking number one on the no-can-do list is usually infidelity, with lying and jealously coming in closely behind. Some people balk at the idea of a “clingy” partner or conversely, someone who is too flirtatious.

At the onset we think we can live with certain things that later turn out to be deal-breakers. But how would you know if you hadn’t dealt with your deal-breaker firsthand?

After you’ve weighed your deal-breakers, your “must-haves” become more apparent. Maybe your ex went out and drank a little too much for your liking but in retrospect was way more fun than the workaholic you are now dating. Or perhaps your current significant other is gorgeous but really has nothing on your hilariously funny ex. As long as your list of “must-haves” is realistic, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to have them.

You Learn to Separate Fact from Fantasy

As children we have an idea of the kind of person we’d like to share our lives with when we grow up. Usually this person closely resembles one of our parents or a character in a movie, but that’s another article altogether.

Whether it’s the cheerleader, the jock, or the movie star, many people spend their days chasing an ideal. Often the pursuit of “perfection” or a “type” continues into adulthood, prompting people to seek mates who work in a particular profession or who have a certain look.

We’ve all done it in one form or another and often with the same result, disappointment. Why? Because no one can live up to what we’ve built in our imagination. Dating that “ideal” person (or someone close to it) gives us a dose of reality and reveals that what we really want isn’t, well, that. Those who realize that the ideal person doesn’t exist and move on are that much closer to finding a happy and healthy relationship.

You Learn About You

Undoubtedly the most valuable lessons to be garnered from your ex are the ones about your own character. You probably have a pretty good grasp of your strengths and weaknesses from your upbringing, but being in a relationship is a completely different story.

When a romantic relationship is serious, our significant others get to know us on a deeper level, more so than anyone else, and oftentimes better than we know ourselves. Hearing criticism from them, fair or not, is never easy, but it’s almost always true.

When thinking about your past discussions and arguments, was there anything that he or she pointed out that may have a kernel of truth to it? Maybe that you complain a lot? You’re too blunt? Stubborn? Self-centered? (This is the part where you really have to be over your ex, otherwise you’ll just think that everything the person said wasn’t true.)

Insults hurled in anger obviously don’t count, but if you are able to extract some insight from past arguments that can make you a better person, you’ve won. In the long run, you may even thank your ex (secretly) for telling you what was up; after all, he or she made you a better boyfriend/girlfriend because of it.

You Learn to Go Easy on Yourself

Similar to the way music is the soundtrack of your life, ruminating over your exes allows you to gauge where you were emotionally when you dated them. With the benefit of hindsight, it’s obvious that you dated the charmer because you needed affirmation. The workaholic because you weren’t ready to commit. The party animal because you were craving a little excitement.

The important thing is that you don’t judge yourself too harshly about the people you’ve dated or take a failed relationship as a personal failure. So it didn’t work out. Big deal. You’ve learned a lesson, maybe two. Now that you know better, you can do better.

> Can You Love Too Much?

There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away.

So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering?

Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.

So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.

Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.

Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.

Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.

Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.

Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.

Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.

Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.

Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.

Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.

Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.

Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away.

Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.

Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.

In your efforts to find your one, true love, be careful not to make another person feel as if he or she is being imprisoned. Remember, you’re looking for a soul mate, not a cellmate.

> I Can't Take Rejection

The first important point for you to realize is that almost every person you’ve ever met, has had this fear at one time in their life. Fear of rejection is one of the most basic human fears. Until a person learns some skills to lessen their anxiety and communicate confidently, this nervousness will continue.

You don’t mention your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a teenager. By enduring the awkward teenage social scene many people, in a series of hit and miss episodes, discover how to relate to the opposite sex in a meaningful, confident manner.

Of course, the story is different for everyone. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself as you’d like I can offer a few suggestion that will help.

Focus on the Other Person

When meeting someone for the first time, especially someone with whom we may have a romantic interests, it’s common to focus on how you look, how you sound, how you portray yourself. This is what is called “Being Self-Conscious.” It causes you to second guess every word you say. It virtually forces you to stop being your natural self and become a cautious self-analyzer.

The key to overcoming this problem is to recognize it and make a purposeful effort to control it. When you meet someone, take a moment to focus on them. If you’re taking a woman out for the first time, just spend the first few minutes together noticing the details of her appearance. Notice her hair, the tone of her voice, the way she smiles. You can do these things in a casual way. By putting your focus and attention on her you will become less self-conscious.

Become a First-Rate Listener

This suggestion may not help you overcome your anxiety, but it will lessen how nervous and awkward you seem to be. You see Scott; people like to be around those who make them feel good about themselves. If you become an attentive, active listener, you’ll learn about the other person in great detail. This will give you plenty of information to discuss in the course of your evening together. It also lets you react to her insights and opinions, which takes the pressure away from your conversation skills. By asking questions and giving her room to open up and share her thoughts and feelings, you’ll also be communicating that you value her and enjoy listening, very rare and important traits. Once you can make a person feel valued and thoroughly understood, you will have mastered a key to personal relations. I believe that after you’ve practiced this approach several times, you will begin to discover a new and significant inner peace and confidence.

Control Your Fear of Rejection

This, you may say, seems the hardest of them all. But fear of rejection is usually determined by the perceived importance of the person we’re approaching. For example, you may get on an elevator and at the next floor a 70-year-old grandmother joins you. I’m willing to bet that if she says “Hello,” you’ll have no trouble striking up a light conversation as you reach the lobby. See, your brain doesn’t sense that there is anything at stake in that encounter and your anxiety remains low. Now replay the situation, instead of a 70-year-old getting on the elevator this time it’s an extremely attractive and apparently single young lady. She says, “Hello.” What do you do? I believe that the key to keeping your fear in check in the second scenario is telling yourself, that regardless of this encounter, you will eventually prevail. Or, as the old adage goes, “there are lots of fish in the sea.” Sure you’d like to ask this attractive woman out. You’re going to spend the few minutes you have focusing on her, asking her a question or two and listening to her answers, but if she isn’t interested that’s just fine.

You will certainly meet someone else. Scott, this mental state will lessen the important of this particular moment. Remove the pressure. Minimize the anxiety and fear. I’m confident that over time you’ll become more at ease with yourself and women of all kinds.

> The Top 5 Male Turnoffs

In our quest to find, attract, and keep our perfect partner, we often wonder what turns men on. And while it’s important to know how to light a man’s fire, it’s equally important to understand what douses his dating flames. By being clear about what kind of behavior turns men off, we can be better prepared to keep the spark alive from our first encounter to happily ever after. What follows are the top five male turnoffs.

Turnoff #1: Flakiness
Guys report that one of the biggest turnoffs when dating a woman is when she either can’t commit to plans or constantly flakes on plans. If you regularly pencil in your plans with a “maybe” and/or cancel plans at the last minute, you’re giving your guy the impression that he’s tentative in your life, aka “good enough for now.” Who wants to date someone who makes them feel temporary? Chances are you don’t, and you shouldn’t be the girl who makes her date feel that way either.

Turnoff #2: Poor communication skills
Raise your hand if you’ve been this girl in your relationship past: your date/boyfriend said or did something you didn’t like, but instead of saying anything, you went along with it. You may have even said it was “fine.” But then at some point down the road, you got upset. Maybe you even blew up at an inappropriate time, causing an argument that completely took your significant other off guard. Most of us have been guilty of passive aggressive behavior at least once in our dating past. It happens. But when you repeat that kind of behavior over and over in any dating/relationship scenario, the only thing you’ll succeed at is sabotaging your efforts. Just as you deserve to be with someone who’s comfortable communicating his wants, needs, and desires, you, too, should be a healthy communicator. Don’t say one thing if you really mean another. Instead, get in the habit of saying what you mean. Guys appreciate that!

Turnoff #3: Not playing fair
From your initial encounter to your first date and beyond, guys pay attention to whether or not you’re playing fair. If, for example, you always expect the guy to come to your side of town, pick you up, open your door, pay the check, drop you off, call you the next day, and in general placate your every need without you so much as lifting a finger, you’re not dating fairly. More important, if there’s a disagreement and you don’t fight fairly, i.e., you throw things in his face, hold grudges, and insist on winning every argument, you’re going to be a very lonely single girl because you’re not being fair. In the new millennium, chivalry goes both ways and the dating game requires plenty of give-and-take. If you can be fair in dating times both good and bad, guys will dig you so much more!

Turnoff #4: Trying to change him
It’s almost cliché how often in the media we see, hear, or read about a woman who tries to change her man. Whether it’s changing how he dresses, what he watches on TV, his manners, or his friends, the woman at the helm of all this change always comes off as a control freak. Don’t be that girl. Just as the guy in your life should accept you warts and all, you, too, should accept him for who he is. And if you can’t? Don’t date him. It’s as simple as that. The whole point of being single and dating is to meet a variety of different people, find out who you are as well as who your perfect partner might be, and eventually settle down with someone who’s right for you. Rather than trying to change the wrong guy into Mr. Right, why not keep playing the field until you meet that special someone who’s far from perfect but whose imperfections you have no desire to change? (He’s out there — keep looking!)

Turnoff #5: Ultimatums
Nothing turns a man off more than a woman who gives him an ultimatum. Not only are they not sexy, they’re ineffective. Healthy and happy relationships don’t need ultimatums. When you’re regularly communicating your needs to the person you’re in a relationship with, ultimatums are unnecessary. It’s when communication breaks down, when one person feels his or her needs aren’t being met, or when the relationship isn’t going in the direction one had hoped or at the speed one had anticipated, that ultimatums are usually issued. A huge turn-off, ultimatums are a tricky relationship tactic and should be avoided at all costs.

So there you have it — the top five male turnoffs. By understanding the dating and mating behaviors that shut men down, you ultimately master the art of how to turn the right guy on. Good luck and happy dating!