» Don't Say Another Word! When to Stop Communicating

Communication is key to a great relationship, but there are certain instances when too much talking can do more harm than good. Here's when you should call it quits on trying to work it out.

e hear it from every direction, don’t we? “You’ve got to talk it through. When you two are fighting, the best thing to do is to communicate.” Okay, that’s a good rule of thumb. But there are clear exceptions to that rule—like when the costs outweigh the benefits.

In other words, there are times when a couple simply needs to stop talking. Here are five specific times when, instead of talking more, it’s probably best to just be quiet.

Stop Talking when one of you isn’t Ready to Talk

There are times when someone’s simply not in a good place to have a fruitful discussion. Maybe that person is extra busy at the moment. Maybe he or she is intensely focused on something else, or is just plain uncomfortable with the subject. If you have something on your mind and your partner isn’t ready to talk about it, don’t force the issue. But let your partner know you want to talk. Say something like “I want to talk about what happened last night. It doesn’t have to be right now, but I’d like to discuss it soon. Will you let me know when you’re ready?” That’s all it takes to make sure your partner is in a more receptive space before you begin.

Stop Talking when you’ve said it a Million Times

If you’ve been telling your partner ever since you met that it drives you crazy when he chews with his mouth open, and he still hasn’t stopped, then give it a rest for a while. Or if you two constantly argue over how long it should take to get ready for a date, now might be the time to take a semi-permanent break from that conversation. At some point you’ve got to realize that talking hasn’t done much good and, in this case, is not going to provide a solution. There are times you simply have to agree to disagree, or table all discussion on the matter for, say, the next six months. The bottom line is that you need to give up the conversations you keep having over and over and over without any resolution. They will only grind both of you down.

Stop Talking when one of you is Being Extremely Unreasonable

Imagine that you’ve initiated a discussion about finances or the future, and your partner flies off the handle, condemning your attitude and accusing you of attacking her: “You’re always criticizing me and you never appreciate what I do for you!” You may not know exactly where this strong emotion is coming from—maybe something happened at work, or maybe your partner had a negative interaction with a friend or a family member—but you know that at this particular moment, your partner isn’t being fully reasonable.

At this point, the wisest tack is to avoid discussing either the issue or the bizarre behavior. Instead, just pull back from the conversation. If you can do it without sounding condescending, you might even say something like “I didn’t mean to upset you. We can talk about this later if you’d rather. I can give you some space right now if you need it.” You don’t need to be judgmental—after all, this happens to all of us from time to time. Just take a break until a little more sanity enters the picture. Of course, the same holds true when the shoe is on the other foot. When you’re feeling a little insane and your emotions are like a ticking time bomb, you need to give yourself some space.

Too many couples try to have rational conversations when one partner is in an irrational space. It never works. So the next time one of you is being unreasonable, put off any serious discussions and provide a space for sanity. Then, once you’ve had some time away from each other, you’ll be much more likely to have a more rational conversation.

Stop Talking if you have a Limited Amount of Time

You know you’ll be at the movie theater in five minutes. Or you’re about to meet friends for dinner, or arrive at a party. You have only a small amount of time, and that can be one of the worst moments to initiate a conversation about something that really matters or that you care a lot about. The danger is that you will simply introduce the topic—perhaps a complaint about how your partner handled a certain situation, or a controversial issue that you disagree about—and then you’ll have to stop the conversation just as things are beginning to heat up emotionally. Then, all of a sudden, you’re both upset, but you can’t continue the discussion because you’re meeting your friends or entering the party. You’ll have a hard time enjoying yourself because of the high emotions you’re experiencing. Keep in mind, raising an issue when you have only a limited amount of time can cause new problems that are actually bigger than the one you want to address. So if the conversation is going to be contentious in any way, don’t try to “squeeze it in.” Just wait until you have more time.

Stop Talking if you’re Especially Tired

When we get tired, we get more irritable, less reasonable, less tolerant, more defensive, and less patient. Does that sound like a recipe for a good conversation? Do yourself, your partner, and your relationship a favor and avoid serious conversations when one or both of you are really tired.

This may mean banning serious discussions after a certain time in the evening, or when one of you has worked hard or traveled all day. Or maybe you can agree not to debrief about the visit to your parents’ house until the next day. The point is that there are times when you’re going to be tired—physically and/or emotionally—and

at those times, it’s best to put a moratorium on serious or “flammable” conversations. These suggestions are fairly simple, but they also can be difficult to follow, since they call for awareness—about yourself, your partner, and the circumstances. Like so many other relational issues, knowing when to shut up is often about paying attention and putting forth a little effort. If you do your best to remain aware of whatever is going on in terms of your relationship, you’ll be much better at knowing when it’s important to communicate and when it’s best to simply be quiet.

» When and How Do You Talk About the Future?

You know what you want, but how and when do you ask if your significant other wants the same thing? eHarmony Advice has your guide here.

There are certain questions that are perfectly appropriate—and even important—to ask at a certain point in a relationship:

Is marriage something you definitely desire some day?
Do you want to have kids? How many?
What values would you want to instill in a family you were raising?
What’s your philosophy when it comes to spending and saving, and preparing for the future?

But asked too soon or too late, questions like these can cause all kinds of relationship and personal problems. So, here are some suggestions for determining when and how to raise the big questions.

When Should I Bring up Questions about the Future?
Not too soon

Clearly, there’s a problem with asking the big questions too early. You might scare the other person off if you begin addressing the “serious” issues before you’re far enough into the relationship. If he or she think that all you want is a marriage partner—any marriage partner—instead of the right person to be happy with, then they might not hang around long enough to find out what a great person you are. If you have an instinct that it’s too soon or that you two aren’t quite in the same place in terms of emotional investment in the relationship, then wait.

Not too late

This point isn’t quite as obvious, but there’s also such a thing as waiting too long to have the big discussions. After all, you don’t want to fall in love with someone, get extremely serious with him or her, and then find out that you two aren’t compatible on what matters most to you. In fact, it’s actually irresponsible to wait too long before tackling these issues, because that leaves both of you open to experiencing all kinds of unnecessary hurt.

When your instincts and common sense tell you it’s time, it’s time

Unfortunately, there’s no magic time line for when it’s right to take on the serious issues. We can’t tell you to wait three weeks (or three months) after you’ve begun dating, or to wait until you’ve been on 19 dates. All we can suggest is that you consider the circumstances and how the other person might feel about your bringing up such issues at the time. It’s important to listen to your instincts and use your best judgment. For example, if you’re a 35-year-old woman and you know you definitely want kids, then you may not feel like spending time developing a relationship only to find out that he’s not interested in raising a family. So, in your case, certain questions may need to come up earlier. In contrast, kids may not be the issue for you at all. In that case, there’s no reason to rush to get this issue on the table.

It really depends on circumstances, but a good rule of thumb is that you want to address the big questions when you feel you have a good sense that things are getting more serious for both of you. Don’t wait until the relationship is already serious, and don’t do it when you’ve been on only one or two dates. But when you can tell that the relationship is definitely progressing, that’s probably a good time to bring up the issues. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be waiting for “the perfect moment” to bring up the issues you care about. This aspect of your relationship can be an unfolding process over time, so allow the questions to arise in a way that’s comfortable for both of you.

How Should I bring up the Issues?

Allow the topics to come up naturally

Do your best to avoid forcing the conversation. Instead, let it happen naturally. For example, you may be interested in how many kids the other person wants. When you hear about his or her siblings and you learn that he or she came from a big family, you might ask something like, “Do you enjoy being in a big family? Does it make you want a big family of your own?” The more seamlessly you can allow information to simply emerge as part of your normal conversation, the less pressure your partner will feel.

Don’t make the conversation too heavy

When you do ask your questions, avoid making things feel too serious. It’s not that the discussion has to remain ultra light, but especially if it’s early in the relationship, you may not want to say, “We need to have a serious talk about how we’re going to save for our retirement.” Instead, you can simply introduce the topic by saying something like, “I don’t like how much of my paycheck goes toward my retirement, but saving is kind of important to me.” The other person can then respond in a way that feels comfortable.

Focus on exploration and listening instead of testing and judging

The last thing anyone wants is to be the object of an interrogation. So, avoid grilling your partner and instead view your conversation as more of an exploration. You’ll both enjoy the discussion a lot more if you focus on learning about each other instead of having to administer or pass some sort of test.

Be honest

Again, there are times when you can be too revealing too early. But once a certain amount of trust and intimacy has been established in your relationship, it’s important that you show each other who you really are and what matters most to you. Assuming that you feel the time is right to talk about the future, be as sincere and straightforward as possible. Granted, you might discover that there are some significant differences that raise serious doubts about whether the two of you are compatible enough to build a future together. But if that is the case, don’t you want to know it sooner rather than later? And what’s more, you may actually find out that you two are even more compatible than you ever knew!

» Is it Love or Lust?

Is the intense attraction you feel for your partner love or is it lust? When you're blinded by the euphoria of the beginning stages of a relationship it can be hard to distinguish desire from true love. How to tell if what you've got is the real deal or just sex appeal.

In the beginning of a relationship, everything’s intense: the passion, your feelings, your increasing level of intimacy with your new partner, etc. So how do you know if what you’ve got is the real deal or just a case of sex appeal?

The following are some important questions to ask yourself in hopes of assessing whether your budding romance has a potential future or is more likely to crash and burn as the passion fades.

How Much do you Know About the other Person’s Life?

Unsure if what you’ve got is love or lust? A great indicator is to assess how much you really know about the other person's life. Sure, you may know what he does for a living and where she lives. You may even have each other’s digits programmed into your cell phones. But have you met the other person’s friends, spent entire weekends together, or been included in each other’s daily lives?

The best way to know if it’s love or lust is take an honest look at how interconnected the two of you are. And this doesn’t mean just the level at which you are opening up, but the level at which your partner is letting you into his or her life, too. By being honest with yourself about where the two of you are relating, you’ll get a better idea of whether or not you’ve got the real deal or just sex appeal.

Is Passion the Only Thing you have in Common?

Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between having the hots for someone and having what it takes to make a relationship work. A key deciding factor is to ask yourself what it is that the two of you have in common. Superficial commonalities such as movies, food, partying, and passionate make-out sessions are most likely not enough to make a long-term relationship work. And that's okay.

But do yourself and the other person a favor by looking at your relationship realistically. If it’s just lust, be honest about the fact that your attraction is limited to the physical. Don’t talk yourself or your partner into thinking there’s a future for you as a couple if there isn’t. This is a conversation you’ll want to have in the early stages of your intimacy. By being honest about the scope of your feelings for each other, you’ll avoid getting hurt as well as hurting the other person.

Do you Share Common life Goals, Dreams and Ambitions?

Before things get too hot and heavy between you and your potential partner, you should discuss long-term goals, dreams, and ambitions. After all, you may not want to invest your time, energy, and intimacy with someone who doesn’t share a similar vision of your future. Things you may want to discuss before things get too hot and heavy include:

• Does the other person share your long-term relationship goals?

• Does he or she share your ideas about having children?

• Do you both have common lifestyle priorities (career, home, etc.)?

• Do you have similar ethics and morals?

While broaching this conversation can feel somewhat uncomfortable, it’s an important discussion to have early on in a budding relationship. Why? Because it forces you both to communicate in an honest and open manner, in hopes of cutting down on wasted time and hurt feelings. Plus, if you’re already engaged in physical passion, you’ll want to make sure your emotional energy is equally compatible.

Is the Feeling Mutual?

Here’s the real reason that having these difficult conversations is crucial to your relationship success: While you may feel that things are sailing along smoothly, your partner may have other ideas. Rather than finding yourself headed toward happily ever after only to discover you’ve arrived there all alone, it’s essential to know where the other person stands as soon as possible. This doesn't mean having a conversation about commitment on the first date, or offering an ultimatum about exclusivity after the first kiss.

But as you find yourself getting intimately involved with someone you need to know where you stand. The only way to find out is to be brave enough to express your feelings and ask your potential partner how he or she is feeling. If the feelings are not mutual, i.e., if one of you is only interested in a casual physical relationship while the other one wants a future together, it’s better to know that before you get in too deep.

Becoming intimately involved with someone new is exciting and exhilarating—and potentially excruciating if you’re not on the same page. It’s important to assess the situation early on, identify where you’re both coming from, and determine whether or not you’re compatible for long-term relationship success. In doing so, you’ll cut down on wasted dating time, hurt feelings, and unnecessary confusion.

If you find yourself in a lust-only affair, it’s up to you to act accordingly depending on your wants and needs. If you discover that your passionate pursuit has future relationship potential, congratulations! You may be well on your way to happily ever after. Either way, it’s important to know where you stand as soon as possible so that you can proceed with caution, care, or commitment.

» Decoding the Emotional Affair

An emotional affair can be just as devastating to a relationship as a physical one. So what's the difference between a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex and an emotional affair?

Once upon a time, having an affair involved sex, secrets, and scandal. In today’s world of work spouses, 24/7 access to information, and the ability to have an online life that is entirely separate from your offline life, it may be that affairs of the heart are becoming more commonplace, not to mention more complicated.
However, unlike affairs of the past that involved physical intimacy, today’s affairs can be strictly emotional. So what, exactly, constitutes an emotional affair – and are you having one without even knowing it? The following questions will help you decode an emotional affair, helping you uncover the dangers as well as possible escape routes, should you need one.

Are you an Emotional Confidant?

The debate about whether or not men and women can just be friends continues in the 21st century. And while it’s perfectly acceptable to be friendly with members of the opposite sex, becoming an emotional confidant is trickier, especially when one or both of you are involved in other relationships. The question you really need to ask yourself in this situation is this: Do you/they provide emotional intimacy that their/your partner doesn’t? If the answer is yes, does that automatically mean you’re having an emotional affair? Not necessarily. But the question remains: Why are you, rather than their partner, the emotional confidant? Signs that you may be having an emotional affair include secretly e-mailing, texting, or chatting online 24/7 without one’s partner knowing about it, confiding more in the other person than you do in your romantic partner, and/or hiding things from or lying to your partner about your relationship with the other person.

Is the Relationship Keeping one of you from Meeting Other People?

If you’re having an emotional affair while you’re single and the other person is romantically involved elsewhere (or vice versa), the emotional affair may be keeping the single person from meeting other interesting and available individuals. It’s essential that you acknowledge whether this is happening. Unfortunately, the person who’s in a romantic relationship and having an emotional affair enjoys the best of both worlds, while the other person gets the short end of the stick. The single person who is emotionally invested in one relationship probably doesn’t have the time or energy for, or perhaps even interest in, seeking out a healthy and whole relationship of their own. And while the emotional affair may last for years, the lack of real and lasting love can lead to unhappiness, bitterness, and wasted time. If this scenario sounds familiar, on either side of the equation, you owe it to yourself and/or your emotional confidant (not to mention the other partner) to end the affair, let go, and move on.

Is the Relationship Healthy – for you Both?

While the comfort of an emotional affair can feel amazing, the negative repercussions can be devastating. What starts as an innocent and genuine emotional connection may result in hurt feelings, disappointment, and betrayal, or even lead to codependency or the breakdown of one’s romantic relationship. Before things spiral out of control, it’s essential to recognize just how unhealthy the emotional affair really is. It’s also important to acknowledge what might be missing from your romantic relationship that ultimately led to the emotional affair. By healing your relationship from within and walking away from the emotional affair, you reduce the chances of long-term damage to any and all involved individuals. And like it or not, that’s the best-case scenario.

How do you Untangle Yourself?

Untangling yourself from an emotional affair can be far more challenging than ending a physical affair. With a physical affair, you simply put an end to your sexual encounters; creating new emotional boundaries is trickier. This is especially true if the other person is involved in your everyday life, e.g., in the workplace or your social life. However, for the sake of everyone involved, it’s essential to untangle yourself. Start by setting new boundaries with your emotional confidant. Keep these new boundaries intact no matter how much the other person tries to challenge them. If your emotional affair happened online, it’s essential to remove this person from your online life. No more online chatting, e-mailing, or instant messaging. Next, focus your energy and attention on healing the emotional estrangement within your existing romantic relationship. If you can’t, then you may need to walk away from that relationship as well. But that doesn’t mean you run into the arms of your emotional confidant. Only the two of you will know what’s best. Trust your gut and proceed with caution.

If you’re single, your happily-ever-after future relies on you being strong enough to untangle yourself from your emotional affair. Create those new boundaries and keep them firmly intact. And trust that there’s somebody else out there for you who’s healthy, whole, and able to commit to you 100 percent. In the meantime, give yourself time to heal from the emotional affair. Seek professional help if needed.

Like physical affairs, emotional affairs are complicated. If you think you might be involved in one, it’s essential to ask yourself the questions discussed above. As challenging as it may seem, letting go is much easier in the long haul than holding on. While untangling yourself from an emotional affair can be tricky, you owe it to your successful relationship future to walk away as soon as possible.

» Dealing with the Work Spouse

Let's do some math. 8 hours a day x 5 days a week = a lot of time spent with co-workers. As a result many workers develop spousal-like relationships with their colleagues. Here's how to keep things professional and cope if your significant other is "married" to someone at work.



They may not be on first-name terms with your mother, and they’re unlikely to care too much which color you should paint your bathroom, but a work spouse is about as close as you’ll get to someone without sharing a second name.

While this may not initially seem like too much of a potential problem – after all, it’s spreadsheets you’re sharing, not bed sheets – the relationship you develop with a workmate can seriously impact your civilian relationship.

First of all, let’s do the math. Take a typical day: you spend maybe eight hours sleeping and nine hours at work, which (not including a commute) leaves you no more than seven waking hours in which to attempt to communicate with your significant other. That’s less than the time you spend with your work spouse and that person doesn’t have to see you in your sweats.

Additionally, at work we have structure and form, a set of codes both written and unwritten by which we operate. Within that structure we’re generally on our best behavior, a combination of common decency and the restrictions of a by-the-books HR department, virtually guaranteeing sublimation of our darker sides.

So you’re looking good and behaving well – what’s not to love? You’re deliberately projecting an image that’s going to impress the boss, but you’re also likely to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, and not just for your skills with PowerPoint. But how do you maintain a close working relationship without a co-worker misinterpreting your actions, and how do you reassure your partner that your work relationship is nothing more than professional?

Simply put, the answer lies with boundaries and priorities. Starting at work, it’s important to let colleagues know enough about your private life so that they don’t get the wrong idea about your availability – or lack of it. Spare them too many details – after all, it’s not called a private life for nothing – but let them know plainly and clearly that you have a partner. Something as simple as a framed picture of your loved one on your desk sets the tone without saying a word, and casual references to you and your partner’s life together – say, after a weekend break – is enough to let colleagues know you’re happily entwined with another.

By the same token, some things are best left unsaid, especially when things aren’t going so well at home. Every couple has arguments, and by sharing the details with your work spouse your actions are open to interpretation. He or she may feel that by talking about problems you’re having at home, the subtext is, “I’m dissatisfied with my partner, looking for someone else, and thought you might be interested.”

Even casual grumblings about your partner – from minor things like leaving off the top of the toothpaste tube to potentially more important ones like not getting what you do at work – can add up to an impression that you’re generally dissatisfied. Exacerbating the problem, if your work colleague is in any way attracted to you, he or she will actively look for chinks in your relationship’s armor, your gentle put-downs giving just the encouragement your colleague is seeking.

Back at home, the situation is reversed. Your partner knows you’ll be working in close proximity to others, and he or she may be looking for signs of a close connection there, sometimes subconsciously. So at home, while of course it’s acceptable to talk about your work colleagues, it’s wise to drop in details of their flaws. It’s up to you to find ways to tell them that, despite being a great work friend, they’re definitely not relationship material.

It’s also important to include your partner in your office life so he can develop some kind of relationship with your work spouse. Invite your partner to after-office events and try to meet at your workplace for occasional lunches. If your office has, say, a softball team, invite your partner to join in.

The more she sees you with your work spouse, the more comfortable she’ll feel… and the more your work friends will realize that your relationship priorities lie at home.

» Is it Okay to Lie About your Age, Weight, or Anything?

In this superficial world, is it okay to fudge the numbers when it comes to your age, income or weight or is honesty the best policy?

Ever feel like it’s a jungle out there? The truth is, the dating scene can be intimidating, frustrating, and full of rejection at times. Like it or not, online daters have been known to judge potential partners based on such superficialities as age, looks, and material possessions. So is it ever okay to lie about these things? And if so, when and where do you draw the line?

The following guidelines may help you decide whether or not to avoid the truth about certain superficialities before your next online dating encounter.

Weigh the Pros and Cons

Obviously, if you feel that your age or any other superficial factor is knocking you out of the dating game, the temptation to lie will be strong. On the pro side, by shaving a few years off your age, taking a few pounds off your weight, or adding to your income, you may just find yourself back in the game. You may even be considered the catch that you are! However, on the con side, you’ve just misrepresented yourself to a perfect stranger. If you hit it off, how can you “fess up” without looking like a liar? And when, exactly, do you schedule your big reveal?

Put yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes

Before you change your age, income, body type, or whatever on your online dating profile to try to make yourself more appealing, ask yourself this: How would you feel if someone misrepresented something about themselves on their profile? There’s a big difference between erasing a few birthdays and lying about your marital status or whether you’ve had children. But really, where’s the line? And how do you know if and when you’ve crossed it? Dating is tough enough when everyone’s completely honest with one another. It just gets that much trickier when you start blurring the truth in hopes of being found more attractive.

What’s Really Keeping you Single?

Here’s something else to ponder: Is it your age, weight, or simply your state of mind that’s keeping you single? There’s no such thing as being the wrong age, weight, or income level to be single, interesting, and available. However, if you’ve got the mind-set of a cranky old maid/man or a lazy couch potato, or if you’ve stopped enjoying life to the fullest, it may be your attitude that’s keeping you from finding and attracting others. What’s a savvy single to do? Focus on adjusting your state of mind. Find ways to fall in love with your life again. Get involved in new hobbies, activities, interests. Reengage yourself in the world around you. By doing so, you’ll most likely reignite your zest for life, and in turn, that personal passion will make you incredibly attractive to others.

Reevaluate your Situation

If you really believe that something superficial is knocking you out of the dating game, rather than lie about your age, weight, or other trait, you may need to reevaluate how you feel about yourself. If past experience tells you that something about you is unattractive, you have a choice. Believe it and give up, or change your reality. How? By getting really honest with yourself. Take a look in the mirror. Are you happy with how you look? While you can’t turn back the hands of time, you can make some subtle and necessary changes to best present yourself. For example, update your look to something fresh, modern, and age appropriate. Get a new hair cut, color, and style. Invest in a few new wardrobe pieces that celebrate your body. And speaking of bodies, how do you feel about yours? Regardless of your age, you should love your body. If you need to, join a gym or hire a personal trainer. While you’ll never again achieve the body of a 20-year-old, you can become more fit and trim, making yourself feel fabulous in the process and attracting the opposite sex like crazy!

At the end of the day, it’s not about how young/thin/rich you are or pretend to be, but how you feel about yourself and your life. As hokey as it sounds, who you are is nothing more than a state of mind. Rather than feel like you have to apologize for who you are, it’s up to you to embrace your life, wrinkles, cellulite, debt, and all. Instead of lying in order to attract someone who might never appreciate the real you, give yourself permission to celebrate you and your amazing life. There are plenty of wonderful individuals out there who would consider themselves lucky to get to know you and date you. Those are the kinds of partners you want to attract in the first place, not someone you need to lie to in order to impress, woo, or attract. By loving yourself first, you show the rest of the world how to treat you – with kindness, care, and compassion.

» When you Should Ask Him Out

You think your crush is interested but you're not 100% sure. If he's giving you these signals, you won't be turned down when you ask him out.

ou’re an independent woman making her way in the dating world by putting yourself out there and into situations that may be foreign to you. Sometimes it can be scary, but you’re learning a lot and gaining confidence every day.

But one morning you wake up and realize that you’ve been crushing on a seemingly perfect fit. He’s a good friend or an acquaintance. But if he was into you, he would have asked you out by now, right?

Wrong. The rule that a woman must wait around for a date proposition is long dead. In this modern age, most guys welcome the reprieve of a self-assured woman. Of course, finding the courage to ask for a date isn’t easy. You’re human and afraid of rejection. But look at it this way: You have nothing to lose but a good man.

Traditionalists may find this proactive suggestion uncouth, concerned that a woman will be sending a message that she is too aggressive. However, why would you want to pass up an opportunity for a great relationship? Instead of waiting around for something to happen, shake things up. Consider the following clues that indicate maybe it’s time for you to do the asking.

1) He’s Shy

The shy guys require a little luring out of their shells, as they tend to wait in the wings for discovery. If you are into a shy guy, take note that you will have to ask him out (unless you feel like waiting around while he musters his courage). So why not put your outgoing personality to good use? Mr. Bashful will be eternally grateful that you made the first move.

2) He’s Your Sidekick

Because you’re already friends, you hang out, go on errands, laugh together at funny commercials and share inside jokes. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to take it to the next level.

While he’s obviously enjoying your company, he probably just can’t get his nerve up to ask you out romantically. Instead, you do the asking and see how he handles your spunk. If he tries to clarify the details and what the date may insinuate, perhaps he is just buddy material. But if he energetically accepts with no questions asked, surely he is sighing with relief behind the broad grin.

3) His Body Language Speaks for Itself

With a smooth hand touch, a door courteously opened with his hand on your lower back, dramatic eye contact and a lingering hug, he is telling you that he likes you without saying a word. Does his face light up when he sees you? Is he thoughtful and chivalrous? His body language is perhaps saying the things he cannot articulate. In fairness, he may just be a gentleman, but these little clues can also indicate an affection for his leading lady – YOU! Why not take the wheel and put your romantic relationship in gear?

4) He Keeps the Momentum

With so many distractions with work and family, pets and personal time, it can be easy to lose interest or just lose touch with certain people. However, if he returns emails and calls when promised, then that’s a refreshing sign he is in it to win it. Consistency and reliability are a big deal and indicate definite interest.

5) He Remembers the Details

You once mentioned that you loved strawberry-flavored Jolly Rancher candy, that you eat Lucky Charms for dinner or that you have hunted rainbows since you were 12. He references your conversations later, confirming he has been listening and paying attention to you. He’s interested and wants to learn about what makes you happy. With all the information we take in on a daily basis, it can be tough to keep track of all the details from each acquaintance. But if this guy remembers the name of your childhood imaginary friend, he is invested in you!

So maybe he is not always going to say yes, but you can handle it. Rejection is fleeting, and it won’t make or break you if your fellow turns you down. It is actually good practice to step up and take the initiative, which can translate to different aspects of your life. Keep in mind that asking a man out on a date does not imply that you are an insolent tart. In fact, it sends a confident message that you know what you want and are able to ask for it.

» Summer Fashions that will Turn your Date Cold

It's summer again and 'tis the season for shorts, sandals and...cowboy boots? If you're looking to impress your next hot date, learn what not to wear here.

When the weather gets hot, you don’t want to leave the men cold. Here are some summer fashions that were once bright and new but have seen too many winters.

1) Capri Pants Have Jumped the Shark

Just a couple of years ago, capri pants were all the rage. Like hot pants in the seventies, they even jumped the gender divide to become menswear as well, to the point where everyone and their dad looked like they were about to go to the beach and dig for clams.

But all good things must come to an end, and this summer is about shorts, not about pants that masquerade as shorts. Bermuda shorts are great (or occasionally, Daisy Dukes, for those of us who have the legs to pull it off). But capri pants are strictly stay-at-home-do-laundry attire.

2) Crocs Just Aren’t Biting

These shoes were never very fetching, but a couple of years ago saw the grand emergence of these pockmarked cobbler-elf shoes, as they became not just a fashion for bog hikers, but also for those with busy days at the farmers market or running around the antique fair.

This summer, however, there is just no room for wearing a Wiffle™ ball that’s molded to your foot—instead, go for the gladiator sandals that are sweeping up the international fashion scene literally on street level! Even at the beach, there’s still a better, classic design that refuses to die: it’s called the flip-flop.

3) All That Glitters Is … Old

Not so long ago, summer-lovin’ ladies as well as some of the fellas were sporting fake gold-colored everything. Sunglasses, buckles, bikini clasps, sandal latches, Lycra tops, even cars: everything looked like creamy-colored fake gold, glittering like chrome gods in the sun.

However, nowadays real gold in the form of rings, necklaces, watches, and bracelets is in—and that means the faux gold of years past is falling by the wayside. Fake gold accoutrements are looking more and more like the cheap and tawdry baubles that they are, so leave them in the cupboard for another decade or so. Real gem-style buttons (e.g., on shoes) are still okay, but keep your faux gold to a minimum lest it become fool’s gold in the eyes of the fashionistas. This includes glitter on the face (though shimmery eye shadow can still be a great light summer look).

4) Fake Tans Are Far Too Obvious

Speaking of gold, there was a golden era (literally) when tanning lotions and sprays gave glistening brown hues to anyone who wanted to get a tan without the dangers of lying in the sun. Nowadays, though, men know to look for the telltale signs of smudginess.

Like a bad toupee, a bad fake tan can lend an aura of cheap to its owner. If you must go with a fake tan (and there is still a good reason not to get a real one, i.e., skin cancer), try to get a well-done professional job, with no bizarre tan lines that end an inch below your hairline.

5) Jelly Shoes are Just Not Pretty

We understand the appeal that jelly shoes have. They hearken back to the days of childhood, when scampering about in frilly socks meant we needed delicate but durable footwear.

But unless you have the magical pair of jellies that makes you look like a grown woman, avoid this fashion faux pas that recently tried to make a reemergence. They tend to look both gaudy and cheap, a combination that often equals “tacky,” and they can become caked with foot sweat and dirt in a most unladylike manner.

6) Cowboy Boots Have the Cowgirl Blues

Remember how every year in this decade, women have worn cowboy boots with their dresses in the summer?

Well, now the very last women to learn about the trend are trying out their cowboy best, which means the fashion forward are leaving this trend penned up in the ol’ corral. This doesn't apply for when you are really going to have a little cowpoke fun—horse rides, country music festivals, state fairs, and even walks in the desert still can look great with a pair of rawhide rockers. But if you’re just going to the corner bar, the club, or the pool party, leave this theme-wear where the horses roam free.

» 5 Breakup Phrases: Words that Signal the End

If you’ve ever been blindsided by a breakup, it’s possible that you weren’t picking up the subtle and not-so-subtle clues that signaled the end. Some people are blessed with laser-sharp perception and can pick up on tiny nuances, while others need to have everything spelled out for them.

Chances are, you fall somewhere in between. You shouldn’t overanalyze every little thing your partner does and says, but when you feel that your relationship is in trouble, it’s time to pay attention.

1) “I Think We Need Space.”

Probably number one after “It’s not you, it’s me,” this phrase should not be ignored. Not necessarily the definitive end, space could mean temporarily lightening up but usually implies both physical and emotional separation. Time or distance can help clarify a specific situation – or force your dismissing darling out of mind. Either way, if your partner introduces the subject of separation, they obviously aren’t happy.

2) “I’ll Call You Later.”

Tone is everything with this statement. Accompanied by an exasperated sigh, later can mean “leave me alone.” The word later is pretty vague, which may lead you to reel from the possible meanings. Did they mean later today or later next week? When you’ve gone from seeing each other every day to a sudden cool off, your relationship is sinking. Maybe you have been too needy or your mate is busy and can’t communicate with you right now. Whatever the reason, don’t press it. They obviously don’t want to talk about it now, and forcing them to discuss the sudden chill may force them away for good.

3) “So-and-So Doesn’t Do That!”

If your sweetheart is comparing you to someone else or another relationship, it’s a bad sign. Whether it’s her first love or his doting mother who can do no wrong, comparisons undermine and belittle. It’s possible your partner is sabotaging your chances at a fresh start or is not quite over their previous paramour. This type of accusatory appraisal indicates that your mate believes your relationship doesn’t measure up. Don’t try to defend your potential, but do discuss your partner’s lingering loyalties.



4) “You’re a %*&^$#!!”

Throwing insults and name-calling are some of the biggest signs of disrespect in a relationship. When you’ve reached the point that you are trying to hurt your beloved’s feelings and get under their skin, your relationship is rotting. There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner this way. Of course, in heated situations, overreacting happens. However, there’s a difference between owning up to a slipup and blaming it on the other person.

5) Nothing

When you’ve stopped communicating altogether, it’s over and probably has been for some time. Regroup, cut your losses, and move on. You aren’t doing yourself or anyone else a service by clinging to a rebuffed relationship.

» How to Help a Friend Dump a Chump

It's hard to sit back and watch a friend date a person who's no good. Instead of trashing the loser in an effort to make her see the light, try these tactics for helping your friend dump a chump.



Is one of your friends dating someone who disrespects her; treats her unkindly; or even lies, cheats, or takes financial advantage? You’re probably at your wit’s end, but it’s hard to help someone who is deluding herself, trying to make something work that was broken from the start. Here’s some advice on how to help your friend dump that chump and get out of the situation that’s holding back her happiness.

Stating the Facts Won’t Help

Have you ever watched a horror movie and screamed, “Don’t open that door!” at the screen? It never works—the heroine always walks through the obviously dangerous door, right smack-dab into the carnivorous birds or league of zombies. Bad relationships are like that, except that the person keeps going back again and again for more no matter how loud you yell.

If your friend is dating a chump, you’ve probably left enough obvious hints that her boyfriend is a good-for-nothing. Unfortunately, in these situations it almost never works to come right out and complain. Even if you can recite ten or fifteen specific times when he’s acted like a real jerk, doing everything from spoiling family functions to wrecking her credit history, you’ll probably find she’s got a pack of rationalizations to counter all of them. It doesn’t exactly hurt to remind her of the bad times he’s caused, but don’t tear your hair out expecting her to respond to facts alone. His negative behavior may be at some level the exact thing that attracts her to him.

Use Psychology

If your otherwise smart friend is letting her life get ruined by a parasitic loser, it’s likely because this monster in some way fills a dark void in your friend’s past, replacing it with an ugly but otherwise manageable present. He’s the absent father who was never there to tuck her in, the boozer whose self-pity was his excuse for never keeping a job. And if her past traumas have scarred her with feelings of low self-esteem or self-worth, she may be living out Groucho Marx’s rule of not wanting to join any club “that would have me as a member!” She may shun men who treat her decently, because her no-account boyfriend’s piercing insults or blatant thoughtlessness confirm the low esteem she holds herself in.

Unfortunately, most women (and men) who are mired in bad relationships have a web of psychological issues that hold them there. But you don’t have to be your friend’s literal psychologist to inquire about her, find out about her past, and point out what you see.

Instead of focusing on what the boyfriend did, point out how that behavior is a repetition of things in her past. That’s something much harder for her to rationalize around! If she’s had other boyfriends in the past who also treated her badly, point that out too, that the current chump is just one more link in a chain of attempts to rectify something in the past that can never be cured by a man in her present. Mind you, it doesn’t mean she’ll actually leave him! But she’s far more likely to concede the point and admit how deeply rooted the bad relationship is if you bring up insights that ring true (and maybe you can even get her to go see a real therapist, which would help even further).

Eliminate Barriers to Exit

Truth be told, it’s very hard to force people to change their ways when it comes to a romantic entanglement, as you probably know from your own life! But a good friend knows that if you can’t push someone out the door, you can at least give her the keys to unlock it and make sure her first steps down the path to freedom are easy to navigate.

If you’ve gotten your friend to admit the relationship is harmful, but she’s still on the fence about whether to actually leave, it’s important to assuage her fears about the barriers to exiting the relationship. “Unhappy people may not end their relationship because forces other than love, fun, and satisfaction are keeping them together,” says Amy Strachman, a research scientist at eHarmony Labs. “There are ‘barrier forces,’ which include poor alternatives to the relationship combined with the potential loss of investments. If you’ve put in a lot of investment in the relationship, it makes it harder to leave. And if you don’t have a lot of other social outlets, the barriers to leaving can also be emotional, such as loneliness and fear.”

You’ve probably observed that people with few barriers to exiting a relationship are more likely to break up and try something new—Jennifer Lopez leaves her husbands at the drop of a hat, whereas Rhea Perlman has stayed married to Danny DeVito for decades!

To help set the stage for your friend to leave her loser, it’s essential that you minimize the barriers to exiting that would make it hard for your friend to say “adieu.” If she’s worried that she won’t be able to meet other guys, remind her of all the suitors she turned away when Loser Man first came around and let her know about some great places to meet single guys (there’s a fantastic one just one click away!). If she’s worried that finances will be harder when she’s on her own, point out all the money she’ll save by not having to feed his beer habit. If she thinks her kids will stop her from having the necessary free time to date, offer to babysit!

Above all, remind her constantly about all her good qualities and that she’s a wonderful person who deserves something better than being trapped in a dead-end relationship with a loser! The biggest barrier to exiting might be the fear that she’ll never do better than him, and you’ve got to prove how wrong that is!

It’s never easy to convince someone to quit a relationship if the person has convinced herself that it’s right. But by digging deep and making the breakup seem easy, you’re making the job as easy as it can be for your friend to dump the chump!

» Can you Date these People and Live to Tell About it?

The boss. The neighbor. The brother of a friend. Is it worth it to date these people given that the relationship may not work out?

Dating people whom you see every day may seem convenient, but if and when your relationship starts to fall apart, what happens to the wreckage that’s left behind? We’ve compiled a list of people in your life who may seem to be good dating choices but end up testing your gumption when the relationship falls apart.

1) The Coworker

Considering that we spend more time at work than anywhere else, it’s no wonder that people wind up dating their coworkers. Being in close quarters for the better part of the day gives love ample chance to bloom.

The major pro of this situation is that that you have so much in common. The two of you commiserate over the boss, brainstorm over a pending project or talk about upcoming changes in your department without fear of boring each other.

The cons? You’ll see this person every single day, which is likely to cause your relationship to fizzle fast. Also, consider that your love affair will not be received well in your office. Once you “come out” or are “found out,” your colleagues will feel the difference. They’ll take notes when they sense your productivity is lacking or when the two of you are giggling alone in the lunchroom.

Final analysis: While dating someone at the office may seem like a resourceful way to be excited about work, you’re taking a big risk. If you and your flame are exceptionally mature, give it a whirl. But tread lightly and be aware of the “pink slip” consequences or the fact that you may need to transfer to Toledo should things go awry. Finally, if you are set on an office romance, you should tell Human Resources about it right away. Most companies have rules about interoffice dating, and you’ll want to make sure you’re adhering to them.

2) The Boss

It’s flattering when the guy or gal who’s running the show wants to be involved with you. Conversely, attraction to a person in power is understandable. And also, for those looking to get ahead, dating the boss seems to be a perfect way to skip a few rungs on the corporate ladder.

Here’s the flip side: No matter how nice you are or what kind of work you produce, your coworkers will resent you and gossip. If and when the relationship dies, it’s very possible that you’ll lose both your new love and your job.

Final Analysis: Dating a person who is in a superior position to you professionally is a bad idea. Starting a romantic relationship with an authority figure mucks up the lines of communication and respect, making you exempt from the traditional rules that protect you.

3) The Neighbor

While you’re out mowing the lawn or washing the car, it’s natural to catch up with bordering buddy Mr. Rogers on a Sunday afternoon. Pretty soon you two are pretty chummy, stopping over for lunch instead of the occasional bowl of sugar or stick of butter.

Dating the neighbor is definitely geographically desirable because there’s practically no commuting involved. However, should your relationship fall apart, remember that you will run into your old flame frequently. Not only will you see this person out in the yard or pulling into the driveway, but also at the grocery store, cleaners, gas station and so on. Further, you may be privy to the person’s business after you are long gone.

Final Analysis: If your romance goes south, it may be uncomfortable to see your old neighborly flame around town. With time, however, the anxiety of seeing your ex and pangs of regret will wane. But if you really love where you live and know you can’t handle the aftermath, don’t risk it.

4) A Friend’s Sibling

Dating a friend’s sibling always has its pros and cons. To your advantage, you can get the full scoop on what type of guy or gal your partner is, what the person dressed up as for Halloween at age 6, and how the person gets along with his or her family.

If you choose to get involved with a friend’s family member, know that your relationship between you and your friend will change. No longer will the friend be your confidant, the person you run to with your relationship problems. Also, once the romantic relationship fizzles, you may lose your significant other and a friend, as many people operate under the credo that blood is thicker than water.

Final Analysis: If you must date a friend’s sibling, keep your pal out of all operations as much as possible. It’s quite possible that your friendship may never be the same, as loyalty generally sways to family. So proceed with caution and carefully weigh the consequences.

5) Your Ex or Your Friend’s Ex

It’s called a breakup because the relationship is broken. Revisiting a previous partnership with expectations of a sudden dramatic change in your ex is futile. Although second chances may be gracious, or even deserved, it is not guaranteed to work. Actually, it probably won’t.

And if you are eyeballing your friend’s ex-guy or ex-gal, you’re in for trouble. That person dropped the ex for a reason, so take notice of the motives that lie before you. Not to mention that you will look like a total jerk taking your amigo’s seconds, looking less like a friend and more like a foe.

Final Analysis: Don’t be a fool, and retire the sleeping dogs. Revisiting an old relationship seldom works, and it often leaves you reeling with regret. On the rare occasion that a friend’s ex is recommended or even encouraged, then you may be in the clear. But take into account that you may be trading in a great friendship for a big heartbreak.

» 5 Types of Women that Men Avoid

Men won't give these personalities a second thought.

Too often a day in the life of the dating world goes something like this: you meet someone, have a few conversations over the phone, go out once and then never see that person again.

Sound familiar? Chances are while you were on your date you discovered a personality that you know you just can’t deal with. It’s not that your date was creepy or malicious; you just know that a long-term relationship with that person won't work out.

Dating is not about putting people into categories, but there are some personalities that just make a person want to turn and run. You’ve read the 5 Types of Men that Women Avoid, and because we’re all about being fair to both sexes, we have the other side: Five Types of Women that Men Avoid.

1) The Flirty-Bird

Men love women who flirt. Men are drawn to a good flirt because besides being fun and charming, she’s definitely not shy. The flirter shows interest right off the bat, making the “getting to know you” aspect of courtship all the more easy. For a guy, not having to do all the work is a relief.

But there’s a difference between a situational flirt and a serial flirt, and the latter is something that men just don’t want to deal with. A serial flirt giggles, touches others and tosses her hair at everyone: the best friend, the boss, the father. A woman who bats her lashes indiscriminately seems like a challenge at first—how do I get her to just pay attention to me?—but that game gets old really fast.

After a while guys realize that the Flirty-Bird needs constant attention because she’s stricken with major self-esteem issues. An extremely confident and patient man may be able to deal with this kind of behavior, but he’ll probably run himself ragged before realizing that the Flirty-Bird isn’t worth his time.

2) The Commitment-Phile

Imagine that you’re a guy for a second. You meet a fantastic woman and you’re having a great first date. The lighting is just right and the food is perfect. You’re sharing a great conversation and just beginning to get comfortable when…WHAM! Your date starts talking about your wedding location, how many kids she wants and Big Lug, the name of your future dog.

It puts a lot of pressure on a guy right off the bat. In any healthy relationship, the first couple of months—and especially the first couple of dates—should be kept light. A woman who fast-forwards to the happily ever after makes guys wonder if they really are her perfect match. With such a speedy narrative, perhaps her plans are all about fulfilling her dreams regardless of who is standing across from her at the altar.

3) The Cling-On

A needy nuisance, this gal can’t go anywhere or do anything without the company of her man. She adopts his interests, calls 15 times a day and flies off the handle anytime she’s not around to monitor his behavior. The Cling-On is more work than a relationship deserves. She is there at your beck and call and relies on you to entertain her because she basically has no life of her own. The Cling-On smothers any chance of a guy missing her by robbing him of energy and exhausting his patience with her demands.

4) The Party Girl

When men meet this ball of fun, they think she is the life of the party. She’s carefree, maybe a little wild, and from the outside looks like a person they may be interested in. Once they get a closer look, however, they realize that her entire life is a party. While a guaranteed good time may seem like a good idea, what will she be like in the sobering light of day?

Her hilarious antics, outgoing personality and righteous dance moves are good in small doses, but the Party Girl doesn’t know the meaning of “closing time.” It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with a person who is masking major problems underneath his or her party hat. Plus, we all know that people who can't amuse themselves without mind-altering substances just aren’t any fun when the party is over.

5) The Windbag

Yakkity Yak. The Windbag is the woman who never shuts up, barely stopping to breathe. Seeming only concerned about what is going on in her life and sharing her prattling insights, this Chatty Cathy also has Drama-Queen tendencies (not good).

The Windbag’s rambling renditions drive men crazy for obvious reasons, but they also make men feel a little obsolete since they can go on and on without anyone else’s input. Most people think it takes two to have a conversation, but not The Windbag.

Women are more verbal than men and get a bad rep for being garrulous. The Windbag, however, doesn’t know that the sound of silence is golden. She needs to learn that the more you talk, the less you learn.

Finding Ms. Right

While there are exceptions to the aforementioned personality types, these gals present a tough road ahead. Although avoidance of women with potent personality types may make things easier, keep an open mind and remember that your perfect match may not come in the tidy little package that you envision.