» 4 Signs You're a Rebound

You've met a really nice person and the two of you get along well. But every now and again you feel like they are harboring feelings for the old flame. Is it possible that you're a rebound?

When you look at the big picture, everyone in the dating game is rebounding from something. We’ve all been in love. We’ve all had our heart broken, and conversely, we’ve all broken a heart or two. Fortunately, the old cliché holds true: Time heals all wounds.

However, rather than process the hurt and live with the pain, many people opt for getting back into the game straight away. That means trouble for the rest of us who’ve had time to heal and learn from past mistakes. Rebounders are friendly, enthusiastic. Perhaps they even seem a little too eager to get to know you. Flattered and unknowing, you proceed with the relationship. A new romance blossoms, and eventually you advance to relationship status.

But gradually, signs emerge that maybe you’re significant other isn’t exactly “over” their previous relationship. He wistfully recounts how his ex smelled like fresh orange blossoms and had a smile to brighten up the room. She says with distain that her ex was a philandering, no-good you-know-what.

When the emotion is raw like that, you have to question whether your partner simply has emotional baggage or if they’re harboring deep feelings for their ex. Here’s how to know if you’re dating a rebounder.

1. Your Partner Frequently Walks Down Memory Lane

Everything reminds your new love of his or her ex. Without asking, you are getting the play-by-play of the restaurant that they frequented together or their favorite movie. He loved peanut butter with fried eggs and she always whistled the Star-Spangled Banner when she was nervous. There is quite a difference between discussing your past and obsessing about mundane details.

Eventually this behavior will make you feel second best. If your partner can’t stop perseverating on the past, he or she probably isn’t thinking about your future.

2. Your Partner Can’t Operate Independently

Whether it’s the destination for dinner or a housewarming gift for his or her friend, your date can’t seem to make a decision or complete any task on their own. If your new guy or gal never takes the reins, he or she may not have fully transitioned from coupledom to being an individual. A healthy relationship is fostered by independence, and constantly going along for the ride implies that this connection may not be on your partner’s priority list.

Moreover, if you’re new significant other can’t seem to be without you for any length of time, be wary. Many people who are experiencing intense emotional pain and suffering cope by having someone around them at all times as a distraction.

3. Your Partner has Built an Emotional Wall

You have been tangibly feeling the love (or like) with hand holding, sweet nothings, the works. However, physically doting is only part of the relationship equation. Emotionally, there seems to be something missing. Namely, your date clams up when it comes to sharing feelings, beliefs and the direction of the relationship. This is probably due to the fact that their mind is elsewhere.

Take notice of the creative segues or the change of subject when the conversation turns serious. Trust and vulnerability are required for relationships to succeed, and this rampant self-preservation is a sign that your courter hasn’t fully healed yet.

4. You See Signs of Embitterment

People who haven’t been able to process a breakup usually can’t see a past relationship—good or bad—for what it was: a learning experience. Instead, he or she was just plain done wrong. His or her good mood darkens when talking about the opposite sex and generalizations begin to emerge: “All women are gold diggers” or “Men are just users”, just to name a few.

Obviously, your new sweetheart has been hurt and still carries some serious hang-ups. Sure, a broken heart takes time to heal. But if your date still has reservations about your integrity or the likelihood that you will do him or her wrong, then your guy or gal isn’t ready to be with the wonderful you.

What to do Next

Of course, there is no magic equation or definitive set of rules about dating a rebounder. Some people just need that extra incentive of better days that only a new relationship can provide. However, if his or her rebounding qualities start to make you feel second rate, it’s time to pull the plug.

Try not to take a rebounder’s maneuvers personally, and initiate a heartfelt conversation about your concerns. If you have ever been heartbroken, you know that time and sensitivity may be the only devices that can help a rebounder move on. Consider your own feelings and investment in this new relationship before going on an emotional ride with someone who may not be ready yet.